Happy Christmas 2010

Merry Christmas everyone. Stay warm and get to bed, Santa is coming.

x

Damien Rice - I Remember

There is enough poetry in his music.

Damien Rice....9 Crimes

' Tell me if this is all true....'

I found this very sweet poem online..I hope you all enjoy it as much as i do. Thanks for the emails. Everything is good again..I think sometimes I'm just a little too sensitive. x

Tell me if this is all true, my lover?
tell me if it is true.
When the eyes of me flash their lightning on you,
dark clouds in your breast make stormy answer;
Is it then true
that the dew drops fall from the night when I am seen,
and the morning light is glad when it wraps my body?

Is it true, is it true, that your love
travelled alone through ages and worlds in search of me?
that when you found me at last, your age-long desire
found utter peace in my gentle speech and my eyes and lips and flowing hair?

Is it then true
that the mystery of the Infinite is written on this little brow of mine?
Tell me, my lover, if all this is true!

by Rabindranath Tagore

Everyone has a secret...What's yours!

I have always liked the concept behind Postsecret...It is an art project which invites people to post creative postcards of their deepest secrets.
Are you willing to anonymously contribute your secrets on a postcard? I have.

Here is the address:
PostSecret
13345 Copper Ridge Rd
Germantown, Maryland
USA 20874-3454

Who Am I

I acted according to how i thought he wanted me to. I tried so hard to hide my feelings under a blanket as i thought that's what he wanted. I tried to act as if i didn't want more. I thought maybe that's what he wants. I acted like a shameful slut to try to turn him on...I thought perhaps that is what he wants. I frightened him with my impulsive behaviour, i have overwhelmed him with my passion for love, i have annoyed him with my sulkiness, i made him dislike me and now i have lost him before he even knew the real me.
I don't know why they call it heartbreak, when it feels like every part of my body is broken.

Whoever You Are Holding Me Now in Hand

Whoever you are holding me now in hand,
Without one thing all will be useless,
I give you fair warning before you attempt me further,
I am not what you supposed, but far different.
Who is he that would become my follower?
Who would sign himself a candidate for my affections?
The way is suspicious, the result uncertain, perhaps destructive,
You would have to give up all else, I alone would expect to be your sole and exclusive standard,
Your novitiate would even then be long and exhausting,
The whole past theory of your life and all conformity to the lives around you would have to be abandon’d,
Therefore release me now before troubling yourself any further, let go your hand from my shoulders,
Put me down and depart on your way.
Or else by stealth in some wood for trial,
Or back of a rock in the open air,
(For in any roof’d room of a house I emerge not, nor in company,
And in libraries I lie as one dumb, a gawk, or unborn, or dead,)
But just possibly with you on a high hill, first watching lest any person for miles around approach unawares,
Or possibly with you sailing at sea, or on the beach of the sea or some quiet island,
Here to put your lips upon mine I permit you,
With the comrade’s long-dwelling kiss or the new husband’s kiss,
For I am the new husband and I am the comrade.
Or if you will, thrusting me beneath your clothing,
Where I may feel the throbs of your heart or rest upon your hip,
Carry me when you go forth over land or sea;
For thus merely touching you is enough, is best,
And thus touching you would I silently sleep and be carried eternally.
But these leaves conning you con at peril,
For these leaves and me you will not understand,
They will elude you at first and still more afterward, I will certainly elude you,
Even while you should think you had unquestionably caught me, behold!
Already you see I have escaped from you.
For it is not for what I have put into it that I have written this book,
Nor is it by reading it you will acquire it,
Nor do those know me best who admire me and vauntingly praise me,
Nor will the candidates for my love (unless at most a very few) prove victorious,
Nor will my poems do good only, they will do just as much evil, perhaps more,
For all is useless without that which you may guess at many times and not hit, that which I hinted at;
Therefore release me and depart on your way.

Walt Whitman

Obsession Jealously

To my aussie admirer, who likes to visit my blog to leave sarcastic remarks…Here are some pictures especially for you. I hope they satisfy your unhealthy obsession. I trust you will be back soon to humour me with your remarks. C x

To watch is to want, and

To want beyond the heart’s Boundaries becomes murder

As you rain covetous concupiscence

Upon the object of your desire

And in a bizarre metamorphosis, it

Becomes a frozen, dead, thing,

Faint and devoid of the very life that drew

Your eyes.You despise

Death – or do you?

The frozen Audubon bird suspended by wire,

The silent statute untouched by Pygmalion’s desire,

The once-young bride tossed onto a funeral pyre;

All are dead, devoid of love –And so is the object of your love

As you suffocate it,Trapping it in deadly amber

By your odious obsession

And jarring jealousy.

What the Hell is s/heDoing? observers ask silently,

Watching the spectacle

As your trapping tentacles

Of avarice wrap around it,

Knowing that your prize

Will vanish from within

Your clutches.

Written By N Nicholson

Celtic Wedding Vow

As some of you know my little brother got married on Friday. I thought I would post a traditional Celtic Wedding Vow that I find particularly appealing ....I hope you like it too. I've also included a picture that I took of my two very adorable nieces.

You cannot possess me for I belong to myself,
But while we both wish it, I give you that which is mine to give
You cannot command me, for I am a free person,
But I shall serve you in those ways you require and
the honeycomb will taste sweeter coming from my hand.
I pledge to you that yours will be the name
I cry aloud in the night and the eyes into which I smile in the morning.
I pledge to you the first bite of my meat and the first drink from my cup
I pledge to you my living and my dying, each equally in your care
I shall be a shield for your back and you for mine
I shall not slander you, nor you me
I shall honor you above all others, and
when we quarrel we shall do so in private and
tell no strangers our grievances
This is my wedding vow to you
This is the marriage of equals.

By Morgan Llywelyn

Yet Love, Mere love, Is Beautiful Indeed

love, mere love, is beautiful indeed
And worthy of acceptation. Fire is bright,
Let temple burn, or flax; an equal light
Leaps in the flame from cedar-plank or weed:
And love is fire. And when I say at need
I love thee . . . mark! . . . I love thee-in thy sight
I stand transfigured, glorified aright,
With conscience of the new rays that proceed
Out of my face toward thine. There's nothing low
In love, when love the lowest: meanest creatures
Who love God, God accepts while loving so.
And what I feel, across the inferior features
Of what I am, doth flash itself, and show
How that great work of Love enhances Nature's.

Sonnet 10 from the Portuguese 1850X

Loves Deceit - Big Rube

Loves Deceit is a poem by Big Rube that was recited on the movie ATL.

Pleasure turns to the pain,
Of the lessons learned from the strain,
Of the questions burned in my brain,
About whether to love is humane
In its touch.

These thoughts are like salmon
Swimming upstream
In the tears of your deceit,
Fighting the current hurt
That kills more than is created
By the chaos of our intertwined emotions:
Chaotic because the anchor
Of Eros’ arrow has been plucked from the vessel
Of my undying infatuation.

Separation not as simple as the distance between us,
My mind no longer possessed
By the demons
That had been the overseers
Of my enslavement to your lies.

The seeds of these lies,
Rooted so deeply
They have cracked the foundation
Of what we once shared,
Allowing the faith in us I had sealed inside
To gush out like a river,
Ripping the image of our future together
From my thoughts
As violently and as brutally
As if it were a child being taken
From his mother’s arms.

I’m left surrounded in darkness,
But I refuse to be swallowed by it,
My loneliness like the night air.
Invisible to the eye,
oblivious to the touch,
In its cold uncomfortableness.

Yet if I could do it all over again,
I’d do it in the same skin I’m in.
To lay down and let love die,
Just stay down and let love lie:
No, no, not I.
I’ll stay ’round and let love fly,
Even though I have seen its darkest form, deceit.
Nothing else could taste this warm
Or feel this sweet.

( A little word of advice for all you men. Its much better to be honest with us girls right from the start ).

Only Thee

That I want thee, only thee---let my heart repeat without end.
All desires that distract me, day and night,
are false and empty to the core.
As the night keeps hidden in its gloom the petition for light,
even thus in the depth of my unconsciousness rings the cry
'I want thee, only thee'.
As the storm still seeks its end in peace
when it strikes against peace with all its might,
even thus my rebellion strikes against thy love
and still its cry is
'I want thee, only thee'.

RABINDRANATH TAGORE'S - GITANJALI

To the Tune "Soaring Clouds"

You held my lotus blossom
In your lips and played with the
Pistil. We took one piece of
Magic rhinoceros horn
And could not sleep all night long.
All night the cock’s gorgeous crest
Stood erect. All night the bee
Clung trembling to the flower
Stamens. Oh my sweet perfumed
Jewel! I will allow only
My lord to possess my sacred
Lotus pond, and every night
You can make blossom in me
Flowers of fire.

HUANG O (1498-1569)

Neno's Award

This lovely award was given to me by Jesse at 'The Art Blog 1968'. Jesse was one of the very first bloggers to welcome me into the world of blogging. Most of my followers have found me through his blog. Thankyou Jesse. He has kindly passed on numerous awards to me and I'm so grateful to have been given each and everyone of them. His pure dedication to his blog has only to be admired along with his creative Art work. He is loved by many, but his true love is with a fellow blogger Julian of Hopeless Believer, also a talented artist. Its been so nice to see this romance unfold and i wish them both much happiness.

The reason i blog is for the opportunity to meet people i wouldn't necessarily have had the chance to meet were it not through blogging. Blogging also gives me the opportunity to post my thoughts and feelings which i try to display through the poetry of others.... It has also allowed me to open up to people and helped me when i am feeling alone.

The award is:*

a dedication for those who love blogging and love to encourage friendships through blogging.
* to seek the reasons why we all love blogging.

The aims of this award:

* As a dedication for those who love blogging and love to encourage friendships through blogging.
* To seek the reasons why we all love blogging.
* Put the award in one post as soon as you receive it.
* Don't forget to mention the person who gives you the award.
* Answer the awards question by writing the reason why you love blogging.
* Tag and distribute the award to as many people as you like.
* Don't forget to notify the award receivers and put their links in your post.

I pass the award onto the following bloggers. I realise some of you have already received this ward but i would also like to include you in my list. I appreciate your friendships and your visits to my site. If you do not wish to except the award that is ok....Just know it is with love i am sending it.

Jesse at http://theartofjesse.blogspot.com/

Ric at http://www.lostboyblue.com/

Linda at http://psycheheartconnections.blogspot.com/

Calum at http://scotinexile.blogspot.com/

MixMax at http://mixmode.blogspot.com/

Skyarcher at http://nightflowerwhisperer.blogspot.com/

Rockin ( Reetszoe5 ) at http://motifxs.blogspot.com/

Reinhold at http://reinholdbehringer.blogspot.com/

Rhi at http://peanutbutterbound.blogspot.com/

Kreg at http://kraigg.blogspot.com/

Sherrlyn at http://lovesimplyhappens.blogspot.com/

Alan at http://www.robotnine.com/

Dogimo at http://asurfaceofinfiniteshallowness.blogspot.com/

Marcus at http://innocentmale.blogspot.com

My Absense

Ive been absent from my blog for a while due to several reasons. The first being that my younger brother was due to be married last Friday. Sadly this did not happen. The brides father who was suffering from terminal cancer died on the Wednesday and was buried on the day they were due to be married.

The second reason is that i haven't been very well for the past 5days. A visit to the doctors surgery today confirmed i have a virus. I'm now on a course of antibiotics, so hopefully it should be cleared up soon and i can get back to blogging and posting more pictures. Several of you have written to me and I'm sorry i haven't been able to reply as quickly as i would have liked to, but as soon as i have my energy back, i will respond to you all.

Jesse - Thankyou so much for the awards. You have given me so many that i feel i don't deserve them....I will visit you soon.

Mat...I am thinking about your offer.

R - I owe you so many emails and i want you to know that i appreciate your wise advice....I think it's i that owe you a coffee.

SA - I thankyou for your patience in awaiting my reply.

Everyone else i will get back to you soon.

Lots of Love

C x

" Things I want decided " - Izumi Shikibu

Which shouldn’t
exist in this world,
the one who forgets
or the one who is forgotten?

Which is better,
to love one has died
or not to see
each other when you’re alive?

Which is better,
the distant lover
you long for
or the one you
see daily without desire?

Which is the least unreliable
among fickle things—
the swift rapids,
a flowing river,
or this human world?

Izumi Shikibu (c. 974-1034)

Ireland's Oldest Pub

Hi everyone, I'm back from my weekend away. Nine of us went on a hen night to the heart of Dublin's city. The first place we visited was Ireland's Oldest Pub, 'The Brazen Head', its an original 11th century coach house dating back to 1198. They play great traditional live music there. People visit from all over the world just to have a pint. In in the main bar the ceiling and walls are covered in signed foreign currency, as proof of how many people from different parts of the world stop in to have a pint. When we were there, we met people from Paris, different parts of America, Germany and the Netherlands.

I hope you enjoy the clips.

Love C

( A bit of banter )

( The ceiling covered in foreign currency )

( Me and my best friend )

Dublin's Fair City

I'm heading to Dublin early in the morning for a Hen Night. I will be back on Monday to catch up on the comments I've fallen behind on. If i manage to remember my camera, i will film a little of the tradition music that i will be listening to this weekend, and post a little clip for you.

Speak soon. x

The English Patient

My darling. I'm waiting for you. How long is the day in the dark? Or a week? The fire is gone, and I'm horribly cold. I really should drag myself outside but then there'd be the sun. I'm afraid I waste the light on the paintings, not writing these words. We die. We die rich with lovers and tribes, tastes we have swallowed, bodies we've entered and swum up like rivers. Fears we've hidden in - like this wretched cave. I want all this marked on my body. Where the real countries are. Not boundaries drawn on mapswith the names of powerful men. I know you'll come carry me out to the Palace of Winds. That's what I've wanted: to walk in such a place with you. With friends, on an earth without maps. The lamp has gone out and I'm writing in the darkness.

( Quote from the movie ' The English Patient ' )

Submission

Your moist, warm breath upon my skin
Ignites a pulsing flame within.
Words can't describe the burn I feel.
My world is false, but you are real.
One lasting taste, one fatal kiss
Will leave me in eternal bliss.
You know your power over me,
So why prolong my misery?
I can't withstand your deadly lure.
My life is yours. Of that, I'm sure.
So when you choose to seal my fate,
It will be worth the gruelling wait.

( Celtic Poetry )

Heart, we will forget him

Heart, we will forget him,
You and I, tonight!
You must forget the warmth he gave,
I will forget the light.

When you have done pray tell me,
Then I, my thoughts, will dim.
Haste! ‘lest while you’re lagging
I may remember him!

Emily Dickinson

A Parable of Love

Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Freedom, a King had a young daughter and she had no lack of suitors; among them were young handsome princes from all over the Land.
The King was a good, a fair and a just ruler. But he was also a very demanding father. He would never give his beautiful, young daughter to a prince who did not fulfill the requirements expected of him.
From among all the young princes in the Land only two were deemed suitable to court the King’s daughter. Both princes were young, handsome, strong, rich and brilliant. There was nothing they could not accomplish. They were leaders and champions of the King’s court and no woman could resist their charm and intelligence.
But which to choose?
The king decided to ask both of them a question to which only he knew the answer. And that question was, “What is Love?”
The two young princes were summoned before the King. The King then asked to the first young prince: ‘What is Love?’
The prince answered, “Love is what you feel when you see a beautiful and pure young woman, Sir. Love is the desire to be united with a beautiful maiden.”
The King then looked at the other prince and asked the same question. ‘What is Love, young prince?’
The young prince said. “Love is to be in the company of your friends and do things together, Sir. Love is also between two people, two lovers, Sir, when they give themselves to each other.”
‘Very well, my young princes. You answered my question according your own age and experience. However neither of your answers is the answer I am expecting from you.
Then a voice was heard from among the crowd:
“Your Majesty, isn’t Your requirement too high for these young princes? You Yourself said that the young princes answered your question according to their own experience and age. You are a King of the Land. And You see everything from on high. No one is Your equal in the Kingdom of Freedom. No one can match Your knowledge and wisdom. Therefore, even the best of us all will never know the right answer to Your question, ‘What is Love?’
I am the least of Your subjects. I was not born a prince myself. But I know that Love is a purpose in one’s life, and life itself - though what we do with it is another matter. Love is a purpose, as I said, because Love is something to be sought after and nobody has attained it, or will attain it, entirely in one’s lifetime.
This is because Love is like knowledge: the more you love, the more you realize how little you love. But to illustrate my thoughts about Love, I will give You two examples.
A mother loves her child, first of all, because she is a mother. Her love for her child is the main purpose of her life. She gives to her child Life. She lovingly feeds and nurtures it, until it too becomes an adult and she is always there until the end.
Second, there is in our town a group of holy women living in a house for the poor, destitute, and lost people. These women work there all day around the clock without pay. They are caring and loving women and they look after our poor without complaint. The purpose of their life is to love the poor, our poor, and love is their only reward. They are not doing this for themselves, but for the One who is the source of their Love”
“Well answered, my son. What is your name?” asked the King.
“Riza is my name, Sir,” he replied.
“Riza, you understand why I demand from my son-in-law the right answer to my question, ‘What is Love?’ I am King of the Kingdom of Freedom, the Land where my People lives in peace within her borders and without. As you know, Riza, there is no real freedom and peace where there is no Love, true Love. I see you are a man of wisdom, and wisdom is the root of all civilization.
“Join us, Riza. My daughter will be your wife. Then You and I together will pursue our common purpose, which is Love for the people of my Kingdom of Freedom.”

Nadir Martello

Song Of A Dream

Once in the dream of a night I stood
Lone in the light of a magical wood,
Soul-deep in visions that poppy-like sprang;
And spirits of Truth were the birds that sang,
And spirits of Love were the stars that glowed,
And spirits of Peace were the streams that flowed
In that magical wood in the land of sleep.

Lone in the light of that magical grove,
I felt the stars of the spirits of Love
Gather and gleam round my delicate youth,
And I heard the song of the spirits of Truth;
To quench my longing I bent me low
By the streams of the spirits of Peace that flow
In that magical wood in the land of sleep.

- Sarojini Naidu

I'm Back

Hello all, im back after a much needed break from blogging. I would like to thank all the lovely people that emailed me, sent me things by email to cheer me up and those of you that enquired about my blog while I was gone. Im sorry I didn’t respond all the time, but I was suffering from stress and anxiety. I went back on my medication and am feeling much better now. I have missed everyone’s company and the general chit-chat that comes through blogging. I hope I haven’t lost too many of you through my absence. Its good to be back and in better form. I will pay you all a visit soon. x

Goodbye

I will be closing my blog to just me. At this moment in time i have become too addicted to blogging and find it unhealthy for me to spend so much time on the computer. I wish to spend more time in the real world doing real things. Thankyou everyone who has read and commented on my page. When i started i hadnt expected anyone to even take interest. The kind support and friendships i have made have meant a lot to me, and im sorry to be closing this at short notice. Thankyou all from the bottom of my heart. I will leave this up to be read until tomorrow then my blog will be closed. I may open it again at some stage. I wish you all much happiness. Love C X

Love & Hate

I'm so sick with the flu.
Sick of Love.

Sick of lies.
No joy will come from being in London.
I hate him.

My blog is now public as i find no reason to hide myself anymore.

An Ghaeilge

I am Irish

I am your language

I am your culture

The poets used me

The nobles used me

The people used me

and the children used me

Proud they were

And I flourished

But the stranger came

He suppressed me

Something worse than that

was my own people rejected me

Now I am weak

Now I am feeble

But still I am with you

and I will be forever.

Raise up my head

Put joy in my heart

Speak me

Oh speak me!

Guess an Irishgirl should post some Irish music

This is a good example of the traditional music your hear in our pubs.
Enjoy :)

Medieval Code Of Chivalry - The Rules Of Courtly Love

The following rules of Courtly Love were written by the 12th Century Frenchman, Andreas Capellanus. These 31 rules describe the pure romance of love but also describe love for another man's wife. This 'Courtly Love' is illustrated in the fictional story of Sir Lancelot and Queen Guinevere. But these rules of Courtly Love led to the downfall and execution of Queen Anne Boleyn, the wife of King Henry VIII - who lived his entire life putting in to practise the 'Rules of Courtly Love'.

I. Marriage is no real excuse for not loving.

II. He who is not jealous cannot love.

III. No one can be bound by a double love.

IV. It is well known that love is always increasing or decreasing.

V. That which a lover takes against the will of his beloved has no relish.

VI. Boys do not love until they arrive at the age of maturity.

VII. When one lover dies, a widowhood of two years is required of the survivor.

VIII. No one should be deprived of love without the very best of reasons.

IX. No one can love unless he is impelled by the persuasion of love.

X. Love is always a stranger in the home of avarice.

XI. It is not proper to love any woman whom one would be ashamed to seek to marry.

XII. A true lover does not desire to embrace in love anyone except his beloved.

XIII. When made public love rarely endures.

XIV. The easy attainment of love makes it of little value; difficulty of attainment makes it prized.

XV. Every lover regularly turns pale in the presence of his beloved.

XVI. When a lover suddenly catches sight of his beloved, his heart palpitates.

XVII. A new love puts to flight an old one.

XVIII. Good character alone makes any man worthy of love.

XIX. If love diminishes, it quickly fails and rarely revives.

XX. A man in love is always apprehensive.

XXI. Real jealousy always increases the feeling of love.

XXII. Jealousy, and therefore love, are increased when one suspects his beloved.

XXIII. He whom the thought of love vexes eats and sleeps very little.

XXIV. Every act of a lover ends in the thought of his beloved.

XXV. A true lover considers nothing good except what he thinks will please his beloved.

XXVI. Love can deny nothing to love.

XXVII. A lover can never have enough of the solaces of his beloved.

XXVIII. A slight presumption causes a lover to suspect his beloved.

XXIX. A man who is vexed by too much passion usually does not love.

XXX. A true lover is constantly and without intermission possessed by the thought of his beloved.

XXXI. Nothing forbids one woman being loved by two men or one man by two women.

Lost Love

My heart! my pulse! my flame!
O the gloom, O the pain!
He has no wish to save me
Who will not come again.

Love! Love! Love!
The fair cheek, the dark hair,
The promise forgotten;
"Twill go with me there.

False! false! false!
O, youth is false for ever
He loves far more than living me--
The lifeless heather.

The hunting field,
The greenwood tree,
The trout, the running deer,
he loves, Far more than me.

He loves--loves--loves
To stalk the frightened doe
He never heeds the pain he gives,
His skill to show.

O, the dark blue eye--
A flower wet with dew
O, the fair false face--
Too sweet to view!

Love! Love! Love!
The fair cheek, the dark hair!
For him I'd scale the walls of hell
Gin he were there!

From the Gaelic, Western Isles
The author of this poem is unknown. The original is in the Gaelic of the Western Isles, and is one of the several fugitive songs rescued by Thomas Pattison. This version i have posted is, however, not identical with his, the first and last quatrains having been added by another hand.

I chose this poem because sometimes love can be disappointing - Whatever happened to chilvary and good old fashioned dating. I long for candle-lit dinners, coziness in quiet corners, holding hands on the street, kisses under the night sky. I wish to be not taken for granted.

Overworked at Xmas

I practically missed this Christmas by working through it, including Christmas night. I have learned my lesson and wont be doing it again. I hardly sent anyone a card and didn’t even call my parents and wish them A Happy New year. I'm such a bad daughter :( Saying that, no-one called me either :0

Today I had the whole day off work and spent it with my younger sister and nieces. It was good to have a girly chat and catch up on things. I haven't heard anything yet from my elder sister since the beginning of December. She spent the Christmas and The New Year in India celebrating….

Me - I'm off to London pretty soon. I'm in need of a break looking forward to it.

House Of The Sleeping Beauties - Erotica

House of the Sleeping Beauties is a novel by Nobel Prize winning author Yasunari Kawabata.


Away from every-day-life in Berlin which fades out in the afternoon entering darkness Edmond visits by advise of his older friend Kogi a mysterious 'maison', kind of a bordello, specialized for senile customers beyond their 80's. In this 'establishment', it is possible for these old men to spend time in bed with beautiful, sleeping girls a whole night through. The girls won't awake, they are narcotised, and these old guys will feel warm and comfortable embracing the youth and the beauty of these young women. More and more Edmond surrenders to this unconscious seduction, juvenile virginity and unpredictable sensuality. Bedazzled by breath, scent and un-guilty warmth of the young women, he glides into associations and memories of his past life. Bizarre moments become inspiration and the urge to disappear next to a girl into death. By hazard Edmond observes how Madame supervising a corpse packed in a bag, thrown into a car and secretly taken away. Nevertheless, Edmond returns more and more often to the 'House of the Sleeping Beauties' considering questions of morality and limits. But Madame resents Edmonds interrogation and occasional flirts in a very relaxed way, she never answers questions. Where reality doesn't seem to exist it doesn't take long until it sends with fatal complications the dreams of the old man to an end.

Happy New Year -2009

Wishing you all good health, happiness and prosperity in the coming New Year. X

A Letter To Lady T'ao Ch'iu

( Feeling slightly sorry for myself tonight ) :(

All alone with my shadow, I whisper and murmur to it,
And write strange characters In the air, like Yin Hao.
It is not sickness, nor wine, Nor sorrow for those who are gone,
Like Li Ch’ing-chao, that causes A whole city of anxiety To rise in my heart.
There is no one here I can speak to
Who can understand me.
My hopes and visions are greater Than those of the men around me,
But the chance of our survival is too narrow.
What good is the heart of a hero Inside my dress?
My perilous fate moves according to plan.
I ask Heaven Did the heroines of the past Encounter envy like this? IU CHI9?-1907)

Love Me - Kiss Me

love me kiss me

undress me

please me

enter me center me

ride me drive me glide me

sky me

slide me

make me shake me break me

mend me

mad me

calm me plow me seed me

live with me conceive me

marry me prison me

try sometimes to reason me

cheat on me treason me

release me

get rid of me

divorce me

forget me

bury me

forgive me

please, do something with me

or

may be simply phone me?....

svetlana savrasova

Don't Be So Quick To Judge

"All we see of someone at any moment is a snapshot of their life,
there in riches or poverty, in joy, or despair.
Snapshots don't show the million decisions that led to that moment.

-- Richard Bach

You don't know me. You have never known me so don't judge me.

( R - this second picture is for you. I didn't do angry but pissed off - not a you though. I hope it is satisfactory. If not then i will have to try again :)

Merry Xmas

Hi everyone, I just wanted to say that Im sorry I haven’t been around to visit any of your blogs for a while. It's been a very busy time for me, but I promise to pay you all a visit in the New Year. Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas.

I Want You To Be Asleep

i wanna u 2 be asleep
i wanna u 2 be asleep an me – awake…
i will be quite as a snake
i will be delicate like mouse
or like a cat with big wet mouth
by being gentle
i’ll drive u mental
u’ll be confused with blown fuse
it is suspectful what 2 do
to make you grab my hairdo
2 fist inn curls…
an all these smells
an all this hit
and all this dreamy bedroom air
so thick and creamy
i’ve come 2 u
fm teen’s nightmare… svetlana savrasova

Run Lola Run

This is the story of young Lola (Franka Potente) and her boyfriend Manni (Moritz Bleibtreu). In the space of 20 minutes, they must come up with 100,000 deutsche marks to pay back a seedy gangster, who will be less than forgiving when he finds out that Manni incompetently lost his cash to an opportunistic vagrant. Lola, confronted with one obstacle after another, rides an emotional roller coaster in her high-speed efforts to help the hapless Manni--attempting to extract the cash first from her double-dealing father (appropriately a bank manager), and then by any means necessary. From this point nothing goes right. RUN LOLA RUN (LOLA RENNT) (Germany, 1998) Written and directed by Tom Tykwer.

To Anthea, Who May Command Him Anything

Bid me to live, and I will live
Thy Protestant to be,
Or bid me love, and I will give
A loving heart to thee.
A heart as soft, a heart as kind,
A heart as sound and free
As in the whole world thou canst find,
That heart I'll give to thee.
Bid that heart stay, and it will stay
To honour thy decree:
Or bid it languish quite away,
And `t shall do so for thee.
Bid me to weep, and I will weep
While I have eyes to see:
And, having none, yet I will keep
A heart to weep for thee.
Bid me despair, and I'll despair
Under that cypress-tree:
Or bid me die, and I will dare
Fen death to die for thee.
Thou art my life, my love, my heart,
The very eyes of me:
And hast command of every part
To live and die for thee. th Century love poem by Robert Herrick

Meatloaf - Its All Coming Back To Me Now ( Marion Ravon )

A wonderful song and amazing video from Meatloaf.

For those of you who are quarrelling with loved ones - Don’t go to sleep on an argument. Life is too short and too precious to waste fighting .
Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice. And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.-- Ephesians, 4:31-4:32.

A Smiley Request - Answered

A while back I was requested to smile more in my pictures so here is a smiley one for you all. Jesse, I have not forgotten about your request for a blurry one or your request for an angry one Rockin. Im not off work until the 3rd January so I may be a bit behind in answering comments but as you know I will always reply to any left. Wishing you all a goodnight. X

Napolean Bonaparte - Love Letters

I adore Love Letters. Here is one written by Napolean Bonaparte (1763 - 1821) . He reportedly wrote as many as 75,000 letters in his lifetime, many of them to his beautiful wife, Josephine, both before and during their marriage. This letter, written just prior to their 1796 wedding, shows surprising tenderness and emotion from the future emperor.

Paris, December 1795

I wake filled with thoughts of you. Your portrait and the intoxicating evening which we spent yesterday have left my senses in turmoil. Sweet, incomparable Josephine, what a strange effect you have on my heart! Are you angry? Do I see you looking sad? Are you worried?... My soul aches with sorrow, and there can be no rest for you lover; but is there still more in store for me when, yielding to the profound feelings which overwhelm me, I draw from your lips, from your heart a love which consumes me with fire? Ah! it was last night that I fully realized how false an image of you your portrait gives!You are leaving at noon; I shall see you in three hours.Until then, mio dolce amor, a thousand kisses; but give me none in return, for they set my blood on fire.

2 - A series of Red

She looked at me with purpose,
hair streaming over her face.
It was the look of exasperation,
as lust bled from her eyes.
She wanted me to know something...something sincere and important.

Author M x

A series of Red - 1

It was warmer than usual, and sweet, like hot maple syrup. I let it gently flow over my chin and between my bare breasts as I held back the inevitable waves that so gently reminded me that I was his.
He told me to behave and I pretended to acquiesce, raising one hand up to his chest. He could see but not feel the inevitable rumbling that approached from deep within like a freight train, its faint hum tickling my internal organs and showering light static amongst and between every extremity of my bare, trembling flesh.My finger glided over his nipple as I looked up at him. I knew what he was thinking.I did not have permission.

Author - M x

Her feet were bare....

Her feet were bare she’d undone her hair,
Sitting, fair, by the bowing reeds;
I who went by, thought a fairy was there,
And I said: Will you walk in the meads?

She looked at me with a haughty look
That beauty retains when we conquer,
And I said: Will you? It’s the month of love,
Will a walk in the woods be your answer?

She dried her feet on the riverside grass;
She looked at me once again,
And the playful beauty then took thought.
Oh the birds that sang deep in the day!

The water caressed the shore so gently!
That joyous sweet girl, fearful and wild,
Among the green rushes she came to me,
Her hair in her eyes, and through it a smile.

19th Century French Poetry

Colorblind" - by Counting Crows

Foggy days

I haven’t written anything recently due to lack of time and I'm apologetic to those of you who Ive been slow to respond to, or whose blogs I have not visited lately. I'm trying my best to keep up with the comments.

I have been asked how my anxiety is and I'm pleased to say that its not troubling me at all lately. I'm still off my medication and it has helped with losing a bit of weight. My treadmill has been used very little…LOL…I'm either working, on here, or trying to catch up with my sleep.

Well It was so foggy here last night and this morning. Last night I had 12 clients to visit in the back end of nowhere ( small country roads with no streetlights ) . I couldn't’ find the fog lights on my car and using the full beam made seeing more difficult, so I had to drive slowly as I could barely see 3ft in front of me. Normally I would get finished around midnight but having to drive so slow in the fog meant finishing later…. I had to get up at 6am and hadn’t a clue what time I would get home at, at this rate but I persevered, and well, in the end everyone was done by around 12.45.

I dropped my co-worker home, filled the car up with petrol, and then had to pick my mum up and drive her to my brothers. I should have gone to bed then, but this blogging is becoming addictive and in the end I didn’t get to bed until around 3.30am. I was woken to the several alarms I set, just to make sure I don’t sleep in ( that’s 8 alarms I set at difference times…lol ).

I woke up, read the clock to be 6.00am, made some coffee and banana toast and sat down to enjoy my early breakfast…..Looked at the clock again 10minutes later and it was 7.10am…….I had read the damn thing wrong and was meant to be at work at 7.20am…I skipped the breakfast and drove like a maniac up the motorway on the icy roads… . But good news is I'm still alive :)

South by Nuno Júdice

Goodnight everyone. I hope your enjoy the beautiful poem that i found. Live your life to the full while you have your health. x

There, everything is simple and complex: light,
solitude, the gaze that is moved deeply by nightfall
and daybreak, and, even
the women’s laughter heard from afar,
brought by air whose transparency is felt
in breathing. And yet, I lean over
the balcony and notice that something conceals itself,
past the vegetable gardens and the walls, and beckons
without my being able to answer. And so,
I return inside, prepare coffee, and
while the water boils the mystery vanishes,
useless and excessive, in the early afternoon.

NUNO JÚDICE

Blue Fantasy by Leo Perez. Powerful Piano Music.

Body Remember - My Pic For Today ( a series of pink )

Body, remember not only how much you were loved,

not only the beds on which you lay,

but also those desires for you that glowed plainly in the eyes,

and trembled in the voice—and somechance obstacle made futile.

Now that all of them belong to the past,

it almost seems as if you had yieldedto those desires—how they glowed,

remember, in the eyes gazing at you;how they trembled in the voice,

for you, remember, body.

by Constantine Cavafy (1863-1933)

My Pic For Today

Idol Thoughts

My handsome fatal foe,why are you gone so long?
I can’t stop my heart from trembling, missing you.
You put some sugar on the tip of my nose.
I cannot lick it,though it smells so nice.
You leave something sweet behind and let me think about it slowly.

Anonymous Poetry Collection by Feng Menglong (1574-1646)

She Moved Through The Fair - Sinead O'Connor

One of my favourite Irish songs.
Please listen, you will love it.

To the Tune of "Magpie on the Branch"

Her peony is raised high and dewed with fragrance
but his legs are too short to reach,
so he uses a small table
like a man climbing up a cloud ladder
or an old monk beating the temple drum.

His vast and gentle squashy passion,
is like a swing
swinging up and down in the courtyard
till the urge is uncontainable.
When the tree falls down,
monkeys scatter everywhere.

from Flower Encampment and Battle Formations (Ming Dynasty)

My Pic For Today

Seduction isn't making someone do what they don't want to do.
Seduction is enticing someone into doing what they secretly want to do already.

Lust

"Of all the worldly passions, lust is the most intense"

Fear

I think I have been very foolish in believing I could go cold turkey without my medication. I took a tablet tonight, the first one in about 3 weeks ( I think ). My anxiety was rearing its ugly head again tonight. My stomach felt like it was crawling with worms and I could feel the sense of fear starting to unfold. It’s the fear that gets to me the most, because I haven’t a damn clue what I'm scared of…I just seem to become suddenly very scared of everything. Maybe I'm just so exhausted from working long hours. I have had 4days off since September and have 2 days off from now until Xmas…I'm drained and cant even bear the thought of going into work in the morning. I need sleep.
Long
Deep
Restful
Sleep.

La Meditation - Steven Wasson - Corporeal Mime

“One of the characteristics of our world is that it is sitting down. Corporeal Mime stands up. It
enjoys representing the world, and all those who work with their body... To be in mime is to be a partisan, a partisan of movement in a world sitting down.”
- Etienne Decroux.

La Meditation by E. Decroux (performed by Steven Wasson, from THE MAN WHO PREFERRED TO STAND, 1992)

My Pic For Today

My heart beat so hard when I was near him,
I feared he could hear my secret longing for him.

~Destiny Vaestus

My Pic For Today

One's real life is so often the life that one does not lead.
Oscar Wilde

My Pic For Today

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My Pic For Today

French Proposal

My friend Anna was proposed to at the weekend. Her boyfriend did it all so perfectly, asking her parents first, then flying over from Hungary with the ring. He took her to the seaside and left a message in a bottle floating on the sea. It was hand written in French and beautifully tied.
Romance is not dead after all.

I was very naughty and slept in this morning :0

A Gift

This flower is for my friend Jess. He is always posting us
beautiful pictures of flowers - I thought it was about time
he got one. This one is for you Jesse. x

My Pic For Today

Elton John - I Want Love

My Pic For Today

The Claddagh Ring

"The Claddagh" a symbol of Love, Friendship and loyalty.

400 years ago in a fishing village called Claddagh overlooking Galway Bay, close to the city of the Tribes, lived Richard Joyce a Master Goldsmith. It was he who crafted this now famous design that has become part of the IRISH heritage.
The Claddagh Ring belongs to a widespread group of finger rings called Fede or "Faith rings" which date from Roman times. They are distinguished by having the bezel cut or cast in the form of two clasped hands, symbolising faith, trust or "plighted troth". Fede rings were popular in the Middle Ages throughout Europe, and there are examples from this time in the National Museum of Ireland, Kildare Street, Dublin. The "Claddagh" ring is a particularly distinctive ring; two hands clasp a heart surmounted by a crown. The hands signify friendship, the crown is loyalty, and the heart is love

The ring worn on the right hand, crown turned inward tells your heart is yet unoccupied, worn with the crown turned outwards reveals love is being considered. Worn on the left hand the crown turned outward shows all, your heart is truly spoken for.

My Pic For Today

Morning Mayhem - My Diary

This morning I was up at 6am and it was cold, wet and quite miserable. I'm driving along the motorway to work when my car starts steering over to the left and making funny noises. So I pull over and discover I have a flat tyre. I'm only half way down the motorway and don’t fancy hitching a lift in the dark so I drive 20mph the rest of the way much to the annoyance of some drivers..LOL. Anyhow I finished my shift after taking my co-workers car and then had to drive again with my flat to the garage to get it changed. By this time the drivers on the road spared me some grace as they could see my predicament in the daylight. It cost me £65 for a new tyre… Not sure if that was a good deal or not, but I was supposed to be in a meeting in another town at 12.00 which left me with 10minutes to drive 15miles…I was late.

I'm hoping tomorrow is a little kinder to me.

Good night to all
x

Just thought id add that my last post was me messing about in Adobe. I don't understand the layers but thought id give it a go. I quite like it - it means something to me ;)

Means something to me

My Pic For Today - Snapshots

I was sooo ill yesterday. Caught a very nasty bug off one of the clients and cried my way through the last half hour of work. Came home after my shift, and was sick everywhere..Took today off to recover. Had a lovely warm bath, took my dad shopping and took a few snapshots to show I'm feeling much better now. Back to work in the morning...ahhhhhhhh but to have a day
off was glorious.

My Pic For Today

Office Blunders - My Diary

SO, last night I get a call from the office with a checklist of clients to see. There was an extra client on the list who we hadn't been to in a while so I double-check with them on the phone if I definitely have to go there…They say yes. I'm still doubting them so I text my co-worker and ask if she was given the name on her checklist, she says no….I phone the office again and ask them if they are absolutely sure i have the client on my list , again they say yes. SO 10pm last night I drive to this woman’s house in the middle of nowhere, and let myself in, ( the door isn’t locked ). Her handsome son is sitting in the kitchen eating. He looks at me a bit bewildered so i introduce myself and say that I've come to see ********, and what does he tell me….HIS MUMS DEAD. Well my face just about hit the floor. I felt just awful…He tells me she died 2weeks ago and I'm standing there in the kitchen not knowing what to say….thinking I'm going kill the person in the office…I apologised, gave my condolences and left . God only knows how the poor guy felt.

My Pic For Today

Noahs Letter - The Notebook

(Noah) -
I am nothing special;
just a common man with common thoughts,
and I've led a common life.
There are no monuments dedicated to me
and my name will soon be forgotten.
But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived:
I've loved another with all my heart and soul;
and to me,
this has always been enough.

I related very strongly to this movie about 6yrs ago. It meant something very personal to me. I hope you enjoy the clip.

Peaceful view

I'm feeling very lazy tonight but wanted to post something. Thought id share some views of the river that runs through my garden. I go there when my heart is blu :) and i find a little peace.
We have otters, kingfishers, cranes and swans that pay us a visit in the summer. I hatched some beautiful Indian runner ducks a few years ago and set them free on the river banks but unfortunately they went missing. I suspect the otter had them for dinner.

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Annette Himstedt

Id thought id share a little secret passion of mine. I love dolls ( not all dolls ), Annette Himstedt dolls. I own one, Mava, from the 2006 collection but i have my eye on a few more. Alma, from the 2003 collection as she is soooo adorable, Lihle from the 2007 collection and Bellis from the Spring 2008 collection . I love all the dolls but these are my favourites . Sadly Annette Himstedt is ceasing production this year and i will longer be able to enjoy her beautiful creations.

ALMA 2003




BELLIS 2008

My Pic For Today

James Blunt - Goodbye My Lover

Says it all really.

Aerosmith - I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing

For you, who's eyes wont see.

My Pic For Today

A Sad Week - My Diary

This week 4 of my clients passed away and two were admitted to hospital with a heart attack. It has been a very tragic week indeed. I try not to get too attached to them but its not always easy when you are visiting their homes several times a day only to witness the inevitable decline of their health . In the end death can be slow and painful, so to see them finally at peace brings some comfort.
Well the good news is that since stopping my anxiety medication the only symptoms I have been experiencing are vertigo and small 'electric like' shocks over my body…( this is more irritating than anything ). I know I'm being rather foolish in doing this cold turkey, and its not something that I would recommend to anyone, but so far so good.

I am still missing my friend. I miss their mischievous humour, their affectionate words, their charming smile, but most of all miss the friendship we shared.
Its getting easier as the days go by but part me of doesn't want to let go of them. I find myself wanting to be alone in order to reminisce so I can feel close to them again. They said they would be in touch after a month but the longer I wait the harder it is to believe that I will ever hear from them again. I live in hope and trust that fate with intervene.

Good day to you all
C x

Alone. In The Dark.

O the cheap thrill.
I desire it.
It pleasures me,
hypnotizes me,
lures me deeper and deeper
into the dark,
where u left me.
Alone.
So hastily.
So aimlessly.

Yet I cannot forget you.

O the thrill of it.
The sensation.
How I yearn for those gentle whispers in the dark.
To sense the heat from it's breath
kissing my skin.
To taste the sweet moistness.
To bathe myself in its scent.

I will it.
I demand it.
Though is not u.
Not now.
Not anymore.

You left me.
Alone.
In the dark.
so hastily
So aimlessly.

Yet I cannot forget you

My Pic For Today

Stopping Med's - My Diary

God what an hectic week at work I had involving dealings with social workers and the police ( cant say anymore about this topic )…Its been the longest week for me yet having worked 77hrs, and though im tired Im still finding energy from somewhere. I suspect it may have something to do with stopping my medication last week. I take 10mg of cipralex for anxiety. Normally I have loads of nervous energy and the medication helps me relax and slow down. Its probably not the best time to stop taking my medication but so far the side-effects of coming off it haven’t seemed to bother me. Maybe its something to do with not having the time to notice them as much, which is great or otherwise I would be back on them in a second. I will continue to stop taking them and see how things go. Already my energy has increased and my appetite decreased. Im losing weight quite quickly now am chuffed at the results. I hope to be a size 10 by the end of January ( fingers crossed ).

Those of you kind enough to email me and ask how I am feeling, I thank you. Each week is getting a little better, though my heart is still experiencing moments of sadness. At this time though, I would rather work through these emotions on my own. Those of you who emailed asking me for group sex….LOL…im not interested, sorry.

Im not sure if I will ever hear from my friend again but im preparing myself for the worst. Im slowly coming to except that perhaps they wont be able to forgive me for what I did, and I don’t blame them for that. I still miss them terribly everyday and allow myself 5mins at night ( no more ) to feel sorry for myself and cry over this lost friendship. I yearn to write to them to know how they are but I cant, so I write here instead. Soooo much rubbish im writing on this blog but who cares, I need to write it somewhere.
Good day to you all.
Hugs

C

P.S. I would love to hear from anyone who has Generalised Anxiety Disorder…Are there anymore of you out there besides me.

My Pic For Today

Love After Love

The time will come
When with elation,
You will greet yourself arriving
At your own door, in your own mirror,
And each will smile at the other’s welcome,
And say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again
The stranger who was yourself.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
To itself, to the stranger who has loved you
All your life, whom your ignored
For another, who knows you by heart,
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
The photographs, the desperate notes,
Peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Derek Walcott

Dance Me To The End Of Love

Dance me to your beauty
With a burning Violin
Dance me through the panic
Till im gathered safely in
Lift me like an olive branch
And be my homeward dove
Dance me to the end of love.

Leonard Cohen

Leonard Cohen’s song is a state which, once experienced, is never forgotten. Love changes our identity. We all let our barriers down and stop being separate, allowing ourselves to merge totally with the other. Inside we experience oneness, harmony, unconditional love, acceptance, perfection, innocence, expansiveness and bliss.
Love overrides other considerations like duty, power, money, and status…no risk is too great for love. Nothing else matters but spending time together The fused energy we feel creates a little world of its own. We all glow with health on a physical and emotional level, the energy allows us to be creative, embracing the world and relating compassionately to others. We believe we are attractive, loveable, worthwhile and desirable with a future of belonging.

But when all this is lost the absence makes you feel much worse off. It is not just the presence that is missed but the way we become to feel about ourselves. It is the end. There is no future anymore. When romance dies, there are two deaths one which is public and the other private. The private death is difficult to explain to anymore let alone talk about. We can think of nothing else. We ruminate over and over again how it ended, the reasons that put it beyond repair and what we could have done to prevent it. Imprisoned and haunted by images and so overwhelmed by our feelings. We form a relationship with the memories rather than the flesh and blood person. Like phantom limbs we feel their presence. We crave their smell, their touch, their presence, everything about them. . To make matters worse we idolise them and adore the ground they walk on. We would do anything to reconnect. Like all grief we go through flashbacks and broken sleep. A broken heart is not a trivial state. Look at it when it is open and active and see what is missing. Living through your heart, you inhabit a different planet to those living it through their head. A person whose heart is closed is dead to themselves and the world.

My Pic For Today

This one was taken when i was 18yrs old

A Long Night Ahead - My Diary

It was freezing, dark and not at all pleasant when I go up this morning. I sat in the car for a good 10minutes with my hat, gloves and scarf on, shivering while waiting for the windows to defrost…( need to stock up on some antifreeze ). Went and got my coffee and paper….and headed into meet Anna, my co-worker. We almost came off the road and into a ditch when my car skidded onto the opposite side of the road. Thankfully the roads where pretty empty at 7am, but it frightened me that much I wouldn’t drive over 30mph on the back country roads after that….We finished a good 40minutes later than usual because of it.

Am working my night-sit tonight and then drive to start an early run at 6am so from 10pm tonight I will be working 16hrs straight then home for 6hrs and out again for 5hrs. Staying awake all night is the biggest challenge. Usually by 5am it’s a struggle for me.

My treadmill is being delivery on Monday morning and im soooo excited. I noticed this morning more weight loss which isn’t surprising considering I haven’t been able to eat much as my anxiety has been so bad these past few days. Am feeling slightly more optimistic about life though. Im learning to be more patient with myself, after all Rome wasn’t built in a day

I was wrong all along - My Diary

Ive been wrong about everything. I see that now, but only now, and maybe thats too late.





“Things don't go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be.”

Samuel Johnson quotes . 1709-1784
.

The Boy In The Striped Pyjamas - Trailer

BASED on a best-selling novel by John Boyne, The Boy In The Striped Pyjamas

I purchased this book from Tesco’s on one of my trips with mum. I originally picked it as I wanted something short to read on my night-sit ( im usually too tired to read anything long ). I was about to give up on it after the first two chapters as it seemed like such a simple read, but im glad I decided to persevere . It’s a heart-wrenching tale of friendship developed through loneliness . It relives the horrors of World War II from the perspective of an eight-year old German Boy who is blissfully unaware of the role his Nazi father plays. One day he sets off on an adventure and stumbles upon a young Jewish boy inside a concentration camp where his father is commandant. They befriend one another, but tragedy unfolds when he sets off to help his friend look for his father.

The Bigger Picture - My Diary

I’m going through so many diverse emotions at the moment ranging from hate, rage to sorrow and anguish. My heart feels like it has been carelessly taken apart piece by piece and discarded by the wayside. If it wasn’t for my work keeping me busy I would probably isolate myself and sink into the deep pit of depression.

Last night I spoke to a friend who offered me words of wisdom. They told me that its hard when you love someone but sometimes you have to let your head take charge and trust things will get better….It felt good to share my sorrow with someone who is going through the same thing. For a moment I was able to disregard everything and lose myself in the moment, ( Thank you for that ). I know time is a great healer and eventually I will see the light at the end of this difficult path. I shouldn’t be in such a race to get to the other side, I should be walking.
I was working on my own this morning, visiting sick and dying people in their homes. My dilemma is so little compared to the pain that they and others are suffering. I’m being self-absorbed in my own feelings when really I should be concentrating on the bigger picture.. Yesterday I visited Paul Chambers bog and realised this. The world has so much pain in it that mine is like a little droplet in a great big storm.

I wish you all a good day. The anger has subsided. ; )

My Pic For Today

Thought id post one in red since it suits my mood tonight ;)

Very Pissed Off - My Diary

I am terribly fucking angry tonight and am fed up trying to be nice to people when im the one whose hurt. I’m that angry im seriously considering emailing my friend a video message just to let them know how fucked off I am. Venting my anger here is the only way it seems to help.

I cried my eyes out all last night and woke up this morning feeling somewhat different than I did yesterday,. It suddenly dawned on me that I haven’t done anything wrong at all. My friend seems to think I have trust issues, well maybe I do, but the thing is I was right not to trust them and now they are angry with me because I found something out that they tried to hide from me….. I know no-one has a damn clue what im talking about and I don’t care. I cant talk to anyone about this and I need to talk about it or I will drive myself mad. I cared for this friend and I thought they cared for me but it seems to be that from as far back as Feb 2007 this was not the case. I really don’t give a damn anymore. I know im sincere and have a good heart and my heart deserves a lot better than how i have been treated recently.


Lets see if tomorrow I calm down a bit.

Snowy day - My Diary

I had a good day at work yesterday. Got up at 6am and drove to the Maxol station to get my usual Tim Horton’s coffee and Daily Mail. Then headed to Ballymena to meet my co-worker at 7.20am. On the morning run we cover around 80miles and visit 7clients in their home. It snowed heavily all morning covering the ground , making it look so picturesque. We stopped off in the countryside along route and took pictures …LOL..you would think we had never seen snow before. By the end of the day, sadly it had all vanished.
The issue with my friend has not been resolved. I have probably made it worse by emailing when I promised I wouldn’t…I will not make this mistake again and restrain myself from making contact. I don’t find this easy to do, which is probably why am writing more here than I have ever done before. It’s a substitute for what I have lost. I spent time in my car today thinking about this and realised that I have little respect for myself by apologising so much when they have done me wrong too but fail to realise this. I have received no apology from them even though when I think about it, they have hurt me much more than I have them. Trust has been lost between us and I have very little hope in it ever being regained, so I have resigned myself to the fact that all friendships are not meant to last. Maybe someday they will realised how much I have been hurt and understand that it lead me react in the way that I did.
I’ve been trying very hard to lose weight for a few months now. So far ive lost 1 1/2stone. I’ve ordered myself a Bremshey advance treadmill online from Fitness Superstore. I have big plans to get back into some kind of fitness programme and work hard at regaining my shape, maybe then I wont be so shy as to just post pictures of my face…LOL….( which im sure everyone is sick of looking at by now ). Hopefully my treadmill will arrive this week and I can get it up and running. I will post a review on my blogspot and let you all know what its like as soon as I get to try it out…Fingers crossed it wont end up as another dust collector.
Well im off back out to work now….will write again later.

Lonely nights - My Diary

I don’t usually blog about my personal life as im a private person but im lonesome tonight and unable to sleep because of a million and one things buzzing around in my head. I thought writing about it might help me and as my blog seems to have so little visitors, I guess I can afford to open up a little.
Well my day started off bad and got progressively worse as it went along,. Firstly I had a disagreement with a colleague I work with. We both have very different characters. She is more dominant than me and works very quickly, im more patient and caring…so my other co-worker informed me …LOL. My job involves caring which is something I consider myself good at and enjoy very much. The problem that I have is that it runs on a schedule / time-slots, that are allocated to clients by social workers. The social worker could allocate the client 45minutes care but the company will only pay for this time and not the travelling time to the next clients house. The travelling time to the next client could be as much as 20mins this is sometimes taken off the client to allow for the travelling, hence the client is only given 25minutes care. This means working swiftly and as im very fond of the clients I visit I wish to give them the full time they deserve. I find it very difficult to rush people as I feel like im being ignorant and not caring when I do. Although we all do a proper job in the time we are there, it can seem very rushed to me. In my option the client should get the full time we are paid for and the government should allow for us to be paid the travelling time. This would enable clients to receive their entitled time allocated and would cause less conflict. I explained how I felt about this today as it was bothering me a lot. I can understand my colleagues point of view in that if we stayed the allocated time then we would not be paid for the travelling but I am a soft-touch and would rather I gave the clients their time and lose out on the travelling. On top of this, I also upset a friend tonight by interfering in their business which has perhaps resulted in them losing a friend.. I feel so bad about it and am feeling very sad about having ruined my friendship with them. Tonight they told me things about myself that made me feel very ashamed, but they were right in what they said. I suffer from GAD, ( generalized anxiety disorder ), I have had this since I was little but was diagnosed only 4yrs ago. It can manifest itself in many different ways. I have learned that it can make me very hasty in judging people. When I feel threatened or something is troubling me I have this unbearable anxiety that I need to get rid of very quickly. I can be accusing and push people to their limit in my persistence to ease myself of the pain it causes. But I do have control over It in that I would never cause trouble for anyone…but trying to make them understand that and trust me is difficult. I feel helpless knowing that I cant reassure them of that. I am most secure when I can trust someone completely as this is when I have no anxiety at all. Now im afraid that my friend fears me and although it seems silly to me that they should fear me, there is nothing I can say or do to help them see otherwise. I know I need to work on how I handle myself in certain situations. I know I need to relax and remain calm in difficult situations and try to not make such hasty judgments. I just hope and pray that time will help heal the rift and my trust can be regained, as I hate to think that I have hurt someone .

Tsotsi - Theatrical African trailer

In a shantytown on the edges of Johannesburg, South Africa, nineteen year old Tsotsi (Presley Chweneyagae) has repressed any memory of his past, including his real name: "Tsotsi" simply means "thug" or "gangster" in the street language of the ghetto.

Orphaned at an early age and compelled to claw his way to adulthood alone, Tsotsi has lived a life of extreme social and psychological deprivation. A feral being with scant regard for the feelings of others, he has hardened himself against any feelings of compassion. Ruled only by impulse and instinct, he is fuelled by the fear he instills in others. With no name, no past and no plan for the future, he exists only in an angry present. Tsotsi heads up his own posse of social misfits, Boston, a failed teacher (Mothusi Magano), Butcher, a cold-blooded assassin (Zenzo Ngqobe) and Aap, a dim-witted heavy (Kenneth Nkosi.)

One night, during an alcohol-fueled evening at a local shebeen (illicit liquor bar) Tsotsi is put under pressure by a drunken Boston to reveal something of his past; or at the very least, his real name. But Tsotsi reveals nothing. The questions evoke painful, long repressed memories that Tsotsi would prefer to keep buried. Still, Boston keeps asking. The other gang members sense a rising anger in Tsotsi and try to stop the interrogation, but Boston keeps pushing, prodding, digging. Suddenly, Tsotsi lashes out with his fists and beats Boston's face to a pulp. The violence is brief but extreme.

Tsotsi turns and flees into the night. He runs wildly, desperate to escape the pain of unwelcome images rising in his mind. By the time he stops running he has crossed from the shantytown into the more affluent suburbs of the city. He collapses under a tree. It is raining hard. A woman in a driveway is struggling to open her motorised gate with a faulty electronic remote. Tsotsi draws his gun. It's an easy opportunity for an impromptu car jacking. As he races away in the woman's silver BMW, he hears the cry of a child. There's a 3 month old baby in the back of the car. Tsotsi loses control of the vehicle and crashes to a stop on the verge of a deserted road. The car is a write-off.

Tsotsi staggers from the vehicle. The baby is screaming. Tsotsi walks away. Then he turns back. The baby calms slightly when Tsotsi looks at it. This unsettles him. He hesitates. An unfamiliar feeling stirs within him: an impulse other than his pure instinct for personal survival. Suddenly, he gathers up the infant, shoves it into a large shopping bag and heads for the shantytown on foot. Tsotsi does not reveal to anyone that he has the child. He hides it from his gang. At first he thinks he can care for it alone. Keep it in his shack. Feed it on condensed milk. But he soon realizes that he cannot cope. The baby screams constantly and his attempts to feed it fail miserably.

At the community water tap, Tsotsi selects a young woman with a baby of her own and secretly follows her back to her home. Forcing his way in behind her, he makes the terrified woman breastfeed "his" baby at gunpoint.

The young mother, Miriam (Terry Pheto), is only a few years older than Tsotsi. She has recently lost her husband to violent crime and lives alone with her baby, making ends meet as a seamstress. At first Miriam is very frightened by Tsotsi. But gradually she takes on the role of both mother to the baby and mentor to the desensitized young gangster. As their relationship tentatively progresses, Tsotsi is compelled to confront his own violent nature and to reveal his past.

My pic for Today

My pic for today

Tim Hortons

I was really pleased yesterday to find another petrol station close to where i live, offering Tim Hortons coffee. My day just isn't the same unless i start my morning with the Daily Mail and a warm cup of T.Hortons coffee. It tastes so much better than Starbucks, which is overpriced in the first place.

My pic for today

My Pic for today

Not much time on my hands these days.

My Pic for today

My Pic for For day

Follow-up: The hard truth about abortion

I have been thinking about what I wrote in my previous post about abortion. I understand that a lot of women have gone through an abortion and have regretted it, and I have no wish to make them feel any worse about themselves than they already do.
I know of a Christian couple who on the advice of their doctor, aborted their child after being told the child was going to be severely handicapped with no quality of life. Unfortunately for this couple, a healthy child was aborted and the parents now suffer with that knowledge. I’m not sure what I would have done in their situation, as the thought of a child being brought into the world with no quality of life is just as heartbreaking.

My ranting are aimed at all the people who seem to regard abortion as a means of contraception these days. Having little money, wanting to pursue a career, or many of the other excuses is not a good enough reason in my option to dispose of your child in such a brutal and unforgivable way. Watch the video link and I beg you to differ.

The Hard truth about abortion

***Viewer discretion is advised for this video.***



I just had to post this, as I feel so strongly about abortion. Recently a close relative of mine had his child aborted by his selfish girlfriend. She chose to abort his first child simply for the fact she had 3 children and didn’t want anymore. So many abortions are taking place for selfish reasons. I cried for all the beautiful children in this video who could have been given the chance of being brought up by loving parents, had the mother decided to let the child live and give it up for adoption. The video really makes me sick to my stomach. What a cruel world we live in murdering innocent, defenceless children.

My Pic for Today

My Pic for Today

Plain & Simple

Ceili Dance: (kay-lee)...This is a video From my cousins wedding the other night...wrong way up but i didnt know how to change it around.Sorry.

My Pic for Today

Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? - child

Elizabeth Taylor at her finest. This movie was the first movie to use the word 'bugger' in it's dialogue. The acting is just superb, as are most of the lines.

Here's just a few :

Martha: I swear to GOD George, if you even EXISTED I'd divorce you.

George: Martha, in my mind you're buried in cement right up to the neck. No, up to the nose, it's much quieter.

George: [about his wife’s weight] Martha is 108... years old. She weighs somewhat more than that.

Martha: Well, you're going bald.

George: So are you

Im sure you've all watched it and if not you should.

The protagonists of Love In The Time Of Cholera

One of the greatest love stories I have ever read. It's a captivating story about a passionate but troubled love affair that takes place over the course of 50 years. … It is beautifully written and will make you ask yourself—how long could you, or would you, wait for love? I still long to watch the movie.
Written by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, a talented and passionate novelist. Thankyou Art.. for introducing me to the wonderful world of Gabriel.

Betty Blue (37º 2 le matin)

I first watched this movie in my early twenties. It’s a passionate and tragic story of obsession and destruction . It is full of explicit sex scenes ( apparently they actually did it ) and fantastic photography. It’s French title means "37.2°C [99°F] In the Morning.

Its main character is Betty (Beatrice Dallea), an aimless wanderer and Zorg (Jean-Hugues Anglade)
They are passionate lovers who paint houses by day and make love by night. Upon discovering Zorg’s unpublished novel Betty decides he is a genius. She forces him to abandon his complacency and after she burns down their bungalow and wrecks Zorg's employer's car, they venture out into the real world to find fame and fortune only to end up selling pianos in a mountain village. Betty attempts suicide and each lover is trying to save themselves through the other, but are locked into two mutually exclusive fantasies.

Evanecense-my immortal

Just because..I love this song.

My Pics for Today

My Pic for today

Moonlight Sonata

Ludwig van Beethoven's 'Moonlight Sonata' played so beautifully on classical guitar by Michael Lucarelli.

Enya- Only Time

Why Enya? Just because i love her.
I urge you to sit back, press play, close your eyes, relax and visit another world.

Enjoy :)

Visual Poetry

I wanted to share this tender and very moving piece of visual poetry with all of you. X

My pic for today :)

Pic for Today

Experimenting with colour.

The Piano - trailer - Erotic Film

Another favourite of mine. An erotic film from New Zealand screenwriter-director Jane Campion. Holly Hunter plays Ada, a mute 19th-century woman sent to New Zealand in an arranged marriage with a patriarchal landowner. She brings her daughter, Flora and tries to also bring her beloved piano, much to the consternation of her new husband, who abandons the piano on a beach. Frustrated, Ada finds herself experiencing an erotic awakening when Baines, an illiterate settler covered with Maori tattoos, rescues her piano, buys it from her husband, then strikes a strange bargain with Ada that gradually leads to her sexual awakening-and to an explosive confrontation.
Not to be missed.

Jealous of the Rain - The end of the affair

A heart-breaking film of true romance. I've watched this movie about 5 times and cried each time. What one won't do for love - I too am jealous of the rain.

Love Me If You Dare (Jeux d'enfants)

'Love me if you dare’ , a great French film directed by Yann Samuell. One of my personal favourites. If you don’t mind reading subtitles I highly recommend it.

My Pic for Today

closer chat room scene

A funny scene from the movie closer. Just goes to show that you never know who you could be chatting to online.

Its a good movie which tells the story of an affair that doesn’t work out, only ending in hurt and unhappiness.

No-one is a winner in this movie. Life continues as before with feelings of love for another. A sad but realistic ending.

rock band demostration

I recently bought this for my son, and the house has been packed with kids ever since. It's a great game for kids and well worth the £150. I've had a few goes on it myself and i assure you its addictive.

Jack Black - The sexiest man on TV

Well, in my opinion he is. Im not into the perfect looking Hollywood type. Jack is cuddly, cute, funny and has a deadly smile.

Medical Test - Norman Wisdom

I just love the old comedies...This should make you laugh.

Celtic Woman - Nella Fantasia

In my fantasy I see a just world,
Where everyone lives in peace and in honesty.
I dream of spirits that are always free,Like the clouds that fly,
Full of humanity in the depths of the spirit.
In my fantasy I see a bright world,
Where each night there is less darkness.
I dream of spirits that are always free,Like the clouds that fly.
Full of humanity.
In my fantasy exists a warm wind,
That breathes into the city, like a friend.
I dream of spirits that are always free,Like the clouds that fly,
Full of humanity in the depths of the spirit.

Genesis - In too deep

Newton Faulkner - Dream, Catch Me.

Thankyou for Loving me

Acoustic version by Jon Bon Jovi & Richie Sambora

Magical Waters

Let us go to where the waters take us,
through the valleys laced in snowdrops
dripping off their crooked stems.
Let us lay in fields off brilliant green,
where sunlight seeps through every blade.

Let us flow with the waters
weaving the twisted path it chases,
avoiding boulders that block our way
and try to keep us from the our plight.

Let us be carried by the flow of the stream
and its graceful ballet,
Floating and gliding
Flying and diving

To our dreams.

Eternal Love

He waited patiently on the platform, beneath the canopy.
Sheltering from the sleet that cruelly thrashed his weathered face.
His thick layers gave little comfort from the bitter wind.
He shoved his hands deep inside the pockets of his overcoat,
And stomped his feet repeatedly to arouse them from their slumber.
The station clock said 01:20.
The night porter had already passed by on his rounds, bringing him a warm cup of tea,
This gladly received on such a chilly night.
He had always taken pity on him.
Nevertheless, never once spoke of her, as if he sensed it was forbidden.
The hours passed little by little
on these cold nights.
Still, he never failed to show.
The urge to see her was too compelling.
He revisited the night it happened.
As clearly as if, it was yesterday.
It was a night just like this.
Rain battered off the street corners.
The howling wind drowned his voice as he called after her.
They had argued about something.
He could not remember what.
If only he had know how fragile she must have been.
He would have ran after her,
Told her how much he loved her.
Now years have passed.
Still he waits.
Willing her to show.
She had promised to come,
But then promises are not always for keeps.
He will wait every night,
Here, in this place, where he finds comfort from knowing she is near.
He will wait, until he catches a fleeting glimpse of her face.
He will wait, to see her golden hair catch the breeze.
He will wait, for her infectious smile to warm his heart.
He will wait, for another chance, to tell her
how much he loves her.

Without You

Lonely
In the hours of darkness,
but for that tiny opening
that permits the warm glow
of the streetlight to enter
my cove.
Light reflects shadows
onto my wall,
that tiptoe across the room.
I lay awake, studying them,
forming silhouettes in my mind.
A spider spins
Its delicate web,
so fragile
In contrast
to its surroundings.
I think off you,
of us,
I wonder if my fragile heart
can survive this world without you.
Thoughts of you rob me of sleep,
however, I do not wish for sleep to come,
unless by chance in dreams we meet.
I place a pillow where you once lay,
and gently stroke your phantom face.
I inhale the trace of scent you left behind,
it lingers In the quiet corners of my room.
I close my eyes,
keeping what tears i have left from flowing.
I sense your tender touch
upon my cheek,
your sweet words
that whisper in the darkness,
telling me everything will be all right.